i want it. i still want it

Assalamualaikum

i am in a battle to be all focus on preparing the viva presentation. physically im fit to deliver the speech, however, i don't think my mental is healthy enough to remember all those lines.

they said: "you dont have to remember all the lengthy sentences!, u have to keep them alive in your mind. you have to understand that, then it will flows out like heavy dense rain" 

OMG, okay, you said it so easy like eating cashew nuts, yeah, thats easy cause u just use your saliva to swallow and munch with additional feeling to eat but it doesnt mean its easy to have a right feeling in front of the judges! you get what i mean???

whenever i think i am ready, i will be far away from the ready line! i feel like i am thousand miles away to keep myself on the track.

what if the judges ask about the evidence of this approach is the best?

what if the judges ask me to write all those equations on the board?

what if the judges tell me that i am not confident with my results?

what if... bla bla bla???

all those criminal questions will linger in my mind before i sleep. every single night! (but not after the viva i guess!)

i am traumatic sometimes.

even feel down and gloom.

and then i realize who i should tell this story on.

The only time that i always cry when i tell all my *stories* is when i pray.

but not in all prayer.... -__-

and i feel guilty.

once i achieved the best moment in my life, i will rejoice and no longer pray as hard as i want when i am in my terrible state. but when the calamity strikes me, i will be there on the praying mat crying and appealing to my God. 

i feel so sinful. its like two faces. do you get what i mean?

i dont know what else should i write.

the best thing now is to regret what i have done..

everyone is neither perfect. and im too far away from Him, the Almighty.

i wish that i could be in an isolated place far away from any person and i can prostrate as long as i can. 

....................