i want it. i still want it

Assalamualaikum

i am in a battle to be all focus on preparing the viva presentation. physically im fit to deliver the speech, however, i don't think my mental is healthy enough to remember all those lines.

they said: "you dont have to remember all the lengthy sentences!, u have to keep them alive in your mind. you have to understand that, then it will flows out like heavy dense rain" 

OMG, okay, you said it so easy like eating cashew nuts, yeah, thats easy cause u just use your saliva to swallow and munch with additional feeling to eat but it doesnt mean its easy to have a right feeling in front of the judges! you get what i mean???

whenever i think i am ready, i will be far away from the ready line! i feel like i am thousand miles away to keep myself on the track.

what if the judges ask about the evidence of this approach is the best?

what if the judges ask me to write all those equations on the board?

what if the judges tell me that i am not confident with my results?

what if... bla bla bla???

all those criminal questions will linger in my mind before i sleep. every single night! (but not after the viva i guess!)

i am traumatic sometimes.

even feel down and gloom.

and then i realize who i should tell this story on.

The only time that i always cry when i tell all my *stories* is when i pray.

but not in all prayer.... -__-

and i feel guilty.

once i achieved the best moment in my life, i will rejoice and no longer pray as hard as i want when i am in my terrible state. but when the calamity strikes me, i will be there on the praying mat crying and appealing to my God. 

i feel so sinful. its like two faces. do you get what i mean?

i dont know what else should i write.

the best thing now is to regret what i have done..

everyone is neither perfect. and im too far away from Him, the Almighty.

i wish that i could be in an isolated place far away from any person and i can prostrate as long as i can. 

....................

When life gets rough

Assalamualaikum.

 

Lama sangat dah tak update this blog. Rase kejap on and off. Banyak kerja and switch to Melaka and Perak bleh buat mood nak write pun hilang.

 

I have pending tasks to be done. To be frank, my mind almost fall in thinking of my research rather than my wedding preparation. As long as this research is unsettled, i have no peaceful mind to start thinking of wedding preparation. Worry not, i can say almost 40 percent of the wedding preparation has been done. My research is still at its low pace, waiting for the correction from dear supervisor. Hoping that this can be quick. :) I can't push him that much but i encourage him to look into my draft if he has time. and at the same time, i tell him, "Doc, if we finish this, i will not bother u anymore"

hahahaha. But he is a nice supervisor. Dont worry.

 

 

That is matter i consider as down point for me. Not that to consinder it as a problem but its more as a challenge to me. Allah put the test based on our capability. He never makes u feel worst until u find no solution. But when u face the obstacles, He wants u to be near Him and seek for His help. MashaAllah. How beautiful the chronology of a human life. So, whenever we feel so down or joy, always put ourselves closer to Him.

 

 

After ive done my 'solat taubat', i feel so peaceful. its like migrating from being bad to become more pious and i try hard to fill the gaps before. Even i still feel the lacking, but i try from day to day to improve myself. I pray to God to ease my journey as His slave and khalifah on Earth. That is our real occupation of becoming a human. That is our role when we were born to see the world. Have we perform our duty as his slave and khaliffa everyday? Is that has qualify us to be one of the jannah residers? Pray to Allah that He leads us to the right way and improve our taqwa to Him. Amin.

 

“O ALLAH! Indeed I seek refuge in You from dying from falling from above, from dying by being buried under debris & by drowning & by burning & I seek refuge in You that shaitan should confront me near death & that I am killed in Your way while turning my back & I seek refuge in You that I die from the bite of a venomous animal.” [Abu Dawud]